University of Montana President Seth Bodner announced today that he has created a Vice President position who’s role will fit well with The Messina Group’s work in digging deeper into the patterns of UM’s current students and those Bodner hopes will flock to campus. ‘We believe we’ve found the perfect fit for my wife’s directive to mine all of the data possible and enhance our enrollment. In addition to the work we’ll be doing with the Messina Group, we are extremely excited to announce that Mark Zuckerberg will begin his work as the Vice President of Social Intelligence.’ Bodner said. ‘Zuckerberg brings a wealth of data as well as connections to think tanks who have proven their ability to manipulate that data with results.’
The announcement, first delivered on Facebook and later via email to the campus community, came as a shock to faculty given Bodner’s intention to begin slashing academic positions and shuffle departments yet again. When pressed as to how UM can afford someone of Zuckerberg’s net worth, President Bodner explained that his wife had negotiated and agreement to allow the Facebook creator to work from an ‘alternative worksite’ given that the nature of his work will not require him to actually ever set foot on campus. ‘People willingly share all the information on social media we’ll need so there’s no need for a bricks and mortar approach to his employment. I mean this matter of factly, but President Trump isn’t too far off when he calls voters stupid, they share everything.’
Zuckerberg most recently made headlines by being summoned to the nations capitol for a set of congressional hearings related to the discovery of personal information which was collected and used to allegedly sway voters in the 2016 presidential elections to Trump’s favor. Cambridge Analytics collected ‘private’ data of millions of Facebook users without their knowledge. Chelsea Elander, Bodner’s wife and chief advisor, suggested that what Cambridge did could work for UM. ‘We’re toying with some sort of ‘Monty Crush’ type game in hopes of getting users to send invitations to their friends and allow us access to as much personal data as possible. I mean, it worked once, right?’ Elandar joked.
Along with gathering student and prospective student data through social media, UM also announced the release of a request for proposals to secure a medical provider to ‘chip’ all students or visitors to campus who may be interested in enrolling. ‘We’ve been chipping our football players for over a decade now in order to better track their movements on Saturday nights. We use the trackers, I mean chips, to round the boys up on Sunday morning so they aren’t left in a sticky situation.’ Said head coach Bobby Hauck. ‘I guess it could work on students who don’t contribute to the football program too if that’s important to President Bodner.’
‘Maybe all men got one big soul ever’body’s a part of.’